As I established previously, I am a gazillion percent lucky for a gazillion reasons. I am very grateful, and I am focusing on that gratitude and I will share more of that here soon. In the meantime, can I just whine about a few things? These are all very minor, don’t matter in the grand-or-even-small scheme of things, but it makes me feel better to let it out. So thanks for listening. Here we go.
As I’m writing this, we in Malaysia are a few days into our “lockdown” which is actually a restricted movement order to try to flatten the curve. Schools are closed. Almost everything is closed. You can go to grocery stores and some restaurants. (We haven’t tried yet.) Food delivery is available, but grocery store delivery times are booked for days straight. Police have checkpoints around to make sure that people are staying home and not congregating.
All of us around the world are living in a strange time. An unprecedented time. A challenging time. A time with a lot of uncertainty.
Our strangeness is compounded because we were already living with an unusual time. Our tour in Kuala Lumpur is nearly finished. We are due to leave at the start of June. This means that our time has become increasingly dominated by logistics. Dealing with sorting and packing our things. Dealing with an exciting summer in the States of seeing family, but one that also comes with a lot of logistics and the stress of being homeless for a few months. Preparing for our next tour which is set to be in England.
Besides the logistics, there is the hefty emotional toll. For almost three years, this has been our home. We have to say goodbye to many dear friends. We have to upend our routines. As the boys are getting older, it is more difficult for them to leave a school they have enjoyed and all of their friends. We love being able to live overseas, but this is the really hard part.
We were starting to enter into the “this could be the last” phase. Right before lockdown, we had a last trip to Fraser’s Hill, which has been a beloved weekend getaway during our time here. We aren’t quite there yet, but each visit to a restaurant, a park, an anything has us wondering will this be the final time there? I was planning a going away party and other going away fun. Now, not so much.
Supposedly, we are still set to leave on time. But who knows. Right now the coming weeks (and months, eep) are up in the air. For everyone.
I’m trying not to, but I can’t help freaking out about that. Not knowing what is going on in this crazy world is hard enough. Not knowing what is going on, and then feeling like you don’t have a home on top of it? Not ideal.
But then I vacillate to gratitude. We are SO very fortunate. My little family is all together. We are not in a heartbreaking situation of losing our jobs or not having enough food. We are very very very lucky. I know this. I tell myself that all I have to do at the moment is stay at home with my family. That’s it. I can do this. That is all I need to worry about at the moment.
And it’s OK to both acknowledge that this is hard and sucks, but that many people have it worse. We are all struggling at the moment. This is a strange, crazy time. We are all just doing the best that we can.
I hope you are OK. I’m sending you health and sanity and good vibes. I hope to be writing here more again if for no other reason than my own processing, but with all of us at home and with a toddler, my typing time is at a premium. In the meantime, I wish you all the best.
This post is a bit late (story of my life these days) because I somehow have a six month old now, but I’ve been thinking about what was super duper helpful in those first few months. You know, besides having an incredible partner and supportive friends and people bringing me food.
Also, besides hitting the pool as much as possible. Just like when I was pregnant, I started going to the pool as soon as I was cleared. Even though I wasn’t thrilled about being in a swimsuit, I did love just being in my body and moving in the water. It felt good. Continues to feel good. Oh, you don’t have year round, convenient pool access? I know. This is something we are very fortunate with here.
BUT I promise the rest of these are things you can use for your own fourth trimester or to support the new mamas in your life. In no particular order . . .
So we are now four months in to this whole having three kids thing. How’s it going? Things are constantly in flux and still a little crazy, but I feel like we’re starting to get our sea legs. I’ve been wanting to share more here, but I haven’t for reasons I’ll get into here. So here’s what we’re up to and how a typical day looks for us right now.
It’s that time of year. Resolutions and planning. If you are into that sort of thing. (I am into that sort of thing.) If you don’t think January is an arbitrary start time. If you find planning and goal setting helpful.
I initially thought that this would not be a big goal year for me. We’re having a baby any day now. My main goal is enjoying the baby and figuring out how three kids works. Seeing if we can move from surviving to thriving in this new scenario.
BUT, after some discussion with a fellow resolution loving friend, I started to think that this could be EXACTLY the time to have some clear goals. Things are going to get a little crazy. If there is anything I can be doing to clarify mission, that is probably good.
I put together some priorities for the year and noticed a theme. Are you ready for the word? It’s . . .
I forgot how hard this is. How every last day of pregnancy lasts a year. (I’m 39 weeks tomorrow.) At this point, it just seems like a cruel joke. There is no baby. I’m just pregnant now and will be forever and this is my life now.
OK, enough wallowing. I know we’ll get to meet our little guy AT SOME POINT. Before we get into the newborn haze and I block all of this out, I’ve been reflecting on how this pregnancy has been different than the first two. Both on what I’ve done differently and how I’ve felt.
2018 was a big year. A good year. Before moving on to 2019, I wanted to reflect on a few highlights.
Back this spring, I mentioned that I’d been diagnosed with anxiety, and I was trying to decide how to proceed on that. You’ll recall that I was REALLY torn on whether I should take medication.
Fast forward to now. I didn’t end up taking any medication. I did do some sessions of cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT).
Do I have a ways to go? Sure. Do I feel better? Absolutely.